


Can't Go Back

by NeoVenus22



Category: Veronica Mars (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-01-08
Updated: 2010-01-08
Packaged: 2017-10-05 23:57:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,951
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/47420
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NeoVenus22/pseuds/NeoVenus22
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Veronica runs into the last person she ever expected to find in Australia.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Can't Go Back

**Author's Note:**

> Spoilers: Through season 3.

After five and a half months in Australia, Veronica found she was ready to head back to Neptune. Epicenter of the dystopia though it was, it was her home in a way she would never be able to articulate. She felt like she was Alice, through the looking glass, only the novelty had worn off, and she'd like to get back to regular size and go home. The white rabbit she was chasing was nothing more nefarious or mysterious than some choice semester abroad credits for her GPA.

What she didn't expect was a Mad Hatter thrown into the works.

In fairness, she wasn't sure how Duncan related to this whole Lewis Carroll scenario she'd suddenly envisioned for herself. What was the Wonderland equivalent of the ex-boyfriend whom you'd help escape the country with the illegitimate baby he'd conceived with the girl he'd left you for? Mad Hatter worked as well as anything, she supposed, because the appearance of Duncan Kane's face on her horizon left her feel loopy and hallucinatory.

It had to be a dream. Duncan was supposed to be in South America somewhere. Not wandering the same random Australian beach with her. Homesickness, she assured herself, perfectly willing to keep walking forward and not chance a glance back, when she heard, "Veronica?"

She didn't know what turned her around, but she turned all the same. And there he was. Grinning brilliantly, tanned and going a little blond. "Duncan," she said quietly, and for a second it felt that saying it out loud would make the hallucination disappear.

The hallucination walked up to her, hesitated for an awkward breath, and hugged her. He felt good, and solid, and strong, and warm, and all of the things Veronica thought she'd forgotten came flooding back. "You're real," she said, without entirely meaning to.

Duncan laughed. "I'd like to think so, yeah."

"What are you doing here? You're supposed to be in Mexico!"

"You mean you didn't put a tracking device on Lilly and follow us here?"

Veronica wondered what it said about her that she had no idea if his was a serious accusation or not. It was, disturbingly, the sort of thing she'd consider.

"Semester abroad," she explained instead of answering. "I'm hoping to up my international cred, to make myself that much more appealing to the FBI."

"You're applying for the FBI?" said Duncan, in a way that didn't really indicate surprise. It was funny, how she could see the highs and lows of her personality in the span of a two-minute conversation with an ex-boyfriend.

(She did not think about how they'd never *technically* broken up, that she could recall, and how she'd done a number of unsavory things since then, such as dating Logan again, and Piz, and one time kissing Troy Vandergraff, of all people, at a frat party she couldn't give a decent reason for attending.)

"Um, yeah, thinking about it." Dreaming about it. "Hoping to."

"If there's anyone they'd take, Veronica, it'd be you," said Duncan.

Veronica tried not to let the warmth she felt from that utterance settle too deeply in her gut. She wanted to carry it with her, but she felt too guilty about blind praise. "So what happened to Mexico?" she said, changing the subject artlessly.

Duncan just smiled at her benevolently. He seemed way, way mellower than she remembered. "Maybe we shouldn't discuss this here? Tell you what. Are you free? I live nearby. We can go catch up?"

She wasn't actually doing anything, seeing as how she was leaving soon and actually kind of burnt out on this whole 'down under' thing. Wandering off with Duncan Kane seemed a good idea as any. "Sure," she said, "why not?"

* * *

Duncan lived on the fourth floor of his apartment building. "I should take the stairs more," he said apologetically, ushering Veronica into the dimly-lit cab, "but Lilly loves the elevator."

Veronica suddenly recalled the last time she'd shared an elevator with Duncan Kane, swathed in the faux-gold glitz and glamour at the Neptune Grand. She glanced at him sideways, his gaze steady on the little red numbers. He had a nice profile. She couldn't believe she'd forgotten. "I bet you're the sort of dad that never says no, huh?" she teased.

The corners of his mouth turned up. He had tiny wrinkles around his mouth and eyes. Duncan smiled nowadays, and frequently, from the looks of it. "When you see her, you won't be able to say no, either."

"I wonder if she'll even remember me," Veronica mused. She was actually concerned. Veronica Mars, whose stance on children was... dicey, at best, concerned as to whether or not the lovechild of her ex-boyfriend and his dead girlfriend remembered her. Adulthood was very screwed up, in so many ways and on so many complex levels.

"She might. I show her your picture sometimes."

Veronica looked at her shoes, not wanting to give anything away, and not wanting to see his face. Duncan unlocked the apartment. "Laurel?" He glanced at Veronica. "She's my babysitter."

"No Astrid?"

"Haven't heard from her in awhile. Oh, there's my girl!" A willowy redhead came to greet them at the door, holding a squirming blond tot.

"Daddy!"

"Hey, baby girl," Duncan cooed, the transformation taking over his entire body as Veronica watched. He squeezed his daughter to his chest in a bear hug, and it occurred to Veronica that Duncan wasn't just a dad, he was *the* dad. The way she remembered her own father being, in vague, hazy recollections of her childhood. Considering who Duncan's parents were, *what* Duncan's parents were, it seemed improbable that he'd turn out this way. Then again, maybe it seemed like every instinct of him screamed to turn out exactly this way.

"You must be Veronica," the now-child-free redhead observed with a smile.

"My reputation precedes me," Veronica said dryly, glancing sideways at Duncan.

"It's funny, you're only a mortal. The way Duncan talks, I was expecting you to have wings and a halo."

*No angel here,* Veronica couldn't help thinking, and yet she blushed. "Um, thanks."

"Well, I should get going," Laurel announced. She was no-nonsense. Veronica liked that. "I'll see you tomorrow, Duncan. Nice meeting you," she said to Veronica.

"'Bye. She's cute," Veronica observed as the door shut behind them.

"Yes she is," said Duncan, nuzzling the girl in his arms.

"I meant Laurel." Veronica stepped in close to father and daughter, apprehension pulling at her. "Although you're pretty cute, too," she said to Lilly.

"Lilly, do you remember Veronica?" said Duncan.

"Ronik," Lilly said, eying her suspiciously.

"From the pictures," Duncan prompted. A tiny light shown in Lilly's eyes, and while she had Meg's nose and hair, and Duncan's chin, there was something about that spark that was so reminiscent of her namesake that Veronica's throat closed.

"She's smart," said Duncan, pleased.

"Good genes," said Veronica, thinking of the original Lilly (who'd hate the idea of a pale, paste-eating imitation, even if related by blood), and not of either of this Lilly's parents, although the same could be held true of them. "Can I hold her?"

Duncan nodded, and Veronica found herself with an armful of two-year-old. Back during senior year, hiding Duncan and Lilly in an abandoned apartment, sneaking in and rocking the baby to sleep, it felt more like one of those 'raise this bag of flour' experiments. But this... this felt too, too real. It was terrifying and awe-inspiring all at once, and it would have left her frozen if Lilly hadn't curled up against her chest.

"I think she does remember you," said Duncan, beaming at the both of them.

"Well, I am hard to forget," she said, grinning. Except Duncan's face slowly morphed, the corners of his smile dropped and flattened, until he was staring at her with an expression she couldn't quite read.

"Veronica, you should know... There hasn't been anyone else. I mean, not that I'd have the time anyway, but... My feelings for you haven't changed."

Veronica's insides twisted. She wanted to return the favor, wanted to tell him there hadn't been anyone else. Tell him that there would never be anyone else. But that was a lie. There had been, and there would, and while she knew that a part of her was always going to love Duncan Kane, and be so thrilled at the prospect of what she was experiencing right now, his loving stare, while baby Lilly fisted Veronica's shirt in one hand and sang quietly to herself, Veronica suddenly realized the awful truth that this could never be.

"I love you, Duncan," she said, meaning it entirely, but even he could hear the 'but' in her voice.

And to her complete surprise (or lack of surprise, given that this was the New Duncan, the Mad Hatter, the ruler of all things impossible, who could take her very simple ideas of how the world worked and turn them completely upside down), Duncan smiled. He didn't take baby Lilly back, he didn't take his declarations of loyalty back, he just smiled and suggested they go into the kitchen.

"So," he said finally, once they'd settled at the table, Lilly munching on some unrecognizable breakfast thing. Veronica toyed with the lip of the coffee mug he'd placed in front of her. Coffee had never really been his thing before, but then, he'd never had to raise a baby before. The world kept spinning on, people grew and changed, and this was so weird and so wrong and so right.

"So I'm going back to Neptune. Tomorrow."

"That's not a lot of time," said Duncan with a rueful smile.

"No, not really," Veronica agreed, wondering why it had to be today of all days that she found Duncan again. Without even looking. Sometimes these things really did fall into your lap. "I guess everything has a deadline."

"Whether we know it or not."

"Daddy," said Lilly, "tired."

"Sure thing, sweetie. Did Laurel tire you out?"

Lilly muttered something that Veronica didn't understand, but made Duncan laugh. "I'll be right back," he excused himself.

"Take your time," said Veronica, and finished off her coffee before it could cool. She was done by the time he got back, and she immediately stood up. "I should go."

"You just got here."

What she didn't say was how she wasn't sure she could be in the room with just the two of them. "My flight leaves in the morning."

"I wish you could stay. I wish we could talk. I want to tell you everything."

Veronica didn't offer similar sentiments. There was too much she wanted to hide. There was always too much. "I really should go. I'm so sorry, Duncan." She reached up to kiss him, but as she did it, she knew that permanent address or no, this was the last time. She could feel her heart breaking all over again, and wondered if he could feel it too.

"It was amazing seeing you again."

"You too." That was brutal honesty. "And Lilly. She's so beautiful, Duncan."

"It's probably just as well that you're going. I don't have room for two crazy blonds in my life."

"Who're you calling crazy?" she teased, slapping his chest lightly.

"Crazy brilliant, I meant."

"Much better."

"I'm sure by now you've managed to get all of my contact information in some super-spy fashion," he said. "Don't lose touch."

"I won't."

"And Veronica..." Duncan seemed at a loss for words, and finally just kissed her forehead.

Veronica headed once more into the late afternoon sun, Alice fresh from the tea party, topsy-turvy and not knowing which way was up, but ready at last to move forward.


End file.
